As a child, my life was filled with pain. I don’t mean pain from a physical illness, but emotional and physical pain caused from circumstances in my life that were out of my control. I think. It is hard to descirbe and not much has changed -- except that I am a grown adult.
I was a child of my parents and some how I knew that I was not really wanted. I wasn't a boy like they had wished. My father was an alcoholic. He was and is abusive , making our home life a complete disaster. My mother was depressed and took it out on us. My life was filled with lies upon lies.
Some of my earliest memories consisted of terror that I felt each night and how much I hated home. I wanted to stay away as much as possible -- but nothing worked. I was expected home every night and I better not be late....or else....
The cycle would start ..............and promises that would never come to pass. If you were to meet my father, you would not believe that all this was true. When sober, he was very kind and gentle. He was a good provider and would never miss work. My mother a sweatheart. A commpassionate woman full of spirit and joy.
Many nights, I wasn't sure if I would wake to see the next morning. Would the calm come and would the sun rise....I was never sure. There were many times that I would run outside for safety and hide, hoping that no one would find me, often without shoes on my feet. When I finally got my liscense I would take the car and drive. I would drive until I could sneak back into the house. As a child, I thought the neighbours were not aware of what was going on. I still do. There were many cold winters -- winters that I would sleep in my car so not to return home. I hated it there. I often wonder what it would be like to have a normal life like other families. I dream of a life where things could be as they should be without so many lies and tears and bruises. I just want a normal life. A life where I don't have to put on a fake smile and just be myself.
Today, my family continues as it did many years ago. Nothing has changed. They continue to mock me for who I am and who I have become. They still beat me when I am unable to sneak away.
When you’ve had a hard life, you have all this pain inside and people just don’t understand if they never lived through the experience. It's just hard to do anything right. Hard to share. I thought being anonymous would be easy but it has proven to be
very difficult. And I wonder why? Why do I allow myself to be subjected to this pain...hurt? Why can't I just get away?
There is a temptation...to run away. Run. Run from everything. Life would be easier. What can I do? Go away and start a new life -- somewhere where no one knows me. Somewhere where I can hide.
I'm surrounded by so many people but yet I am alone. No one gets it. I'm strong yet I am not. Why do so many people say one thing and do another? Why do they pretend they care and don't? Why go through the motions of life when no one cares? Why act a way to one person and different to another? Why can't people be themselves? I know -- because we all have secrets, we hide in shame.
I can't get through this on my own, but I can't trust anyone. I want to escape from this torment. Curl up into a tight ball and never wake up. Escape.
